Seems like this week has been pretty uneventful but that's probably because I've been feeling calmer about what happens with FJ and I. It's not that my feelings for him that have changed, but I suppose I am coming out of the fog I was in.
For various reasons I had to cancel a few of our meets this week. He seemed pretty shocked (which in turn shocked me as I thought he wouldn't care) that I was cancelling. I guess he normally pulls the strings. Throughout this I have refused to play games, and I genuinely had other commitments I couldn't get out of. Of course, I've been having doubts about the situation with FJ, and thought some time away would be a good thing. We still managed a few walks but I kept to my "friends only" promise to myself ie no physical contact. It's clear FJ is struggling with his guilt and I thought putting a distance between us would help us both eventually walk away. Clearly, not. For the first time on Thursday he took my hand as we walked. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Normally he's so paranoid someone will see he avoids holding hands.
Never have I tried to justify my relationship with FJ. I know it's wrong, and for that reason I had kept our relationship a secret. Whilst having dinner with a friend, Em, this week I blurted it out. I expected her to be disgusted and judgmental but she was fantastic. I know people reading this will automatically write me of as a whore, and a bad person but Em knows me, and knows that I'm the complete opposite. She told me that another friend of hers has been having an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years!!!! WTF? How can someone put their life on hold for so long?
I would like to have ended this post by saying I had succeeded in my no physical contact with FJ this week. After a few too any G & T's, I failed.
Who knows what will happen next week.
Kx
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