Week 7 - Are we over?

So I haven't written to a while. The last week has been horrendous.  On Sunday, I logged into FB for the first time in months to be greeted with an image of the baby being christened. Logging in was no coincidence. When I asked his weekend plans he told me his brother was visiting, and mumbled he would drive to his parents on saturday to see him.  When he What App'd (WA) me on Saturday, he completely ignored my question about visiting his home town and deep down I knew he was hiding something.  I understand him not saying about the Christening. I was pretty surprised to receive a flirty text later that evening arranging our Monday meet, and couldn't help but say I knew.
He brushed it off as no big deal.  Its a bid deal for me. I haven't eaten all day, and feel lower than I have in a long time.

When we meet on Monday, he is apologetic and comforts me, admitting he wouldn't like it if it were the other way around.  We kissed, and he was very gentle with me when we were intimate. Afterwards he held me and stroked my hair for ages. He says his wife's FB comments were for show, and he would rather of not had to go but he needs to make an effort for A.

Tuesday
Arrived this morning to find FJ didn't want to talk before work, mumbling he needed to be in early.  I don't know what to think. We go for a walk at lunch but something's up. For the last few weeks I have been so excited at the prospect at him sending the night tomorrow. Tonight, I receive a WA to say he can't do it, the guilt is too much.  He assures me he needs more time, and still wants to see me.

Wednesday
The most horrendous day. He keeps saying he loves his son too much to do this. I can't be mad at him for worrying about his son, and the guilt is somewhat reassuring of his character. I ask him endless questions "was I just a fling" " did he think I was a "one off" he replies no to both and says he is worried about hurting me if this continues. Well, too late mate. I haven't ate since Sunday and have a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. Tonight, I need to say goodbye to someone I care about, and really wanted him there afterwards. I can't believe he is so cruelly holding my future happiness in his hands, and just shrugging when I ask for an answer to what future he sees for us.  Its too early for guarantees, but he could say how he feels.  I ask the question I have been torturing myself with "am I just a lunchtime whore to him". He is shocked and guarantees me I am much more to him.  If he saw me as just another girl, he would have ended it by now. He insists that he doesn't love his wife anymore but can't leave his son.  I pity her.  How horrible must it be for your husband to leave your bed and go to another woman's?

Thursday

We meet in the car before work and I say I need an answer. Does he want to end this? He admits that part of him thinks that would be easier. I feel pathetic when I say I need him, and would miss him too much to stop. He shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know what to do.  I walk away.

At lunch he texts and says can we meet for a walk. It's actually lovely and we chat liked we used to. I don't know if it's because I have accepted its over.  As I go to leave, he pulls me back and apologises. He says he can't not have me in his life, he needs me and we can go back to the way things have been.  I feel down-heartened.  Deep down I know this is going to cause me more hurts and part of me hoped he would end it.  I say I don't know, and I will meet him as usual tomorrow. 

Friday

I feel nervous in the car with FJ this morning but we tentatively kiss. He strokes my arm, and I cant help myself from offering to meet in the car for "lunch". So by the end of lunch, we're back to normal.

Saturday

It had become a routine for FJ to message me on a Sat but im a little surprised by the flirty WA I receive, with him behaving like last week never happened. The events of last week have left me stunned. I feel so worthless. Did I just agree that I won't ever see him out of work, and only in a car? He said he needed more time, but he gives so little away it's impossible to know what he thinks.  The conversations have been replaying in my mind

"this isn't easy for me you know" " I care about you a lot" " you will want more, and get hurt" " I try not to make a habit of this type of thing".  The latter comment worries me the most. This isn't the first time he has been unfaithful, although he says the I'm the first he has developed feelings for. 

One thing I have realised though is he doesn't hold the power. I made that mistake this week. I now know I can hurt him more than he can hurt me.