Week 10 - What is an affair?

The title of my blog implies I am having an affair.  As FJ's relationship stands now, is that correct? We still meet most mornings for a chat and go for long walks at lunch.  Occasionally we have held hands.  I have stuck to my no sexual contact, and he seems happy with that.  

I had thought the withdrawal of "lunch" in the car would see his interest fade but appears not. He admitted that he felt he was degrading me and had too much respect for me to put me in that situation. I thought he was bullshitting to make me all "you care about me". He's stuck to his word though.

To be fair,  the physical side of our relationship was brief. Contrary to belief, FJ and I have never had sex. Yes, we have been physical and whether or not we stopped short of intercourse is relevant is a matter of opinion. FJ and I certainly differ in our opinions of whether it does. He seems to think this makes our relationship more acceptable, that he isn't fully committing adultery.   Prior to my relationship with FJ, I thought that a partner having sexual intercourse with a woman would be the ultimate betrayal. My belief was that if you are inside anothers body, that is the ultimate level of intimacy right? Mmmm, maybe not.  For some people, sex can just be a physical act.  The hours FJ have spent simply talking, laughing toghether, has been far more intimate than anything else. 

So, I'm a having an affair or have I moved into the "close friends" section? 

I found a definition of an affair:
"An affair is a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people" (Wikipedia).  

Okay so Wikipedia may not be the most reliable source but I guess FJ and are having a romantic friendship.  Which, according toWikipedia, means we're still having an affair. 

Week 9 - A Fog Lifts

Seems like this week has been pretty uneventful but that's probably because I've been feeling calmer about what happens with FJ and I.  It's not that my feelings for him that have changed, but I suppose I am coming out of the fog I was in.

For various reasons I had to cancel a few of our meets this week.  He seemed pretty shocked (which in turn shocked me as I thought he wouldn't care) that I was cancelling. I guess he normally pulls the strings.  Throughout this I have refused to play games, and I genuinely had other commitments I couldn't get out of.  Of course, I've been having doubts about the situation with FJ, and thought some time away would be a good thing.  We still managed a few walks but I kept to my "friends only" promise to myself ie no physical contact. It's clear FJ is struggling with his guilt and I thought putting a distance between us would help us both eventually walk away.  Clearly, not.  For the first time on Thursday he took my hand as we walked.  I wasn't quite sure what to do.  Normally he's so paranoid someone will see he avoids holding hands.

Never have I tried to justify my relationship with FJ.  I know it's wrong, and for that reason I had kept our relationship a secret.  Whilst having dinner with a friend, Em, this week I blurted it out. I expected her to be disgusted and judgmental but she was fantastic. I know people reading this will automatically write me of as a whore, and a bad person but Em knows me, and knows that I'm the complete opposite.  She told me that another friend of hers has been having an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years!!!! WTF? How can someone put their life on hold for so long?

I would like to have ended this post by saying I had succeeded in my no physical contact with FJ this week.  After a few too any G & T's, I failed.

Who knows what will happen next week.

Kx

Week 8 - The Weekend

My normally Saturday contact doesn't come this week, and I do something I try my best to avoid.  I check FB.  He's at a concert with his wife.  Within minutes, I find myself justyfing him going by saying he probably bought the tickets before him and I got together. What do I expect though? For him never to socialise with his own wife? Of course I feel a little upset but reality is setting in. I've though a lot today about how I feel, and to be more to the point how this situation is making me feel. I re-read all my messages from him, and there is a distict change in his tone towards me.  Less caring.

What do I exect? I have lowered myself to a level I never thought I was capable of.  I don't know what will happen at this point. I do know that for my own sanity, there will be no more "lunch" in the car.

When I finally get a message from FJ on Sunday evening, he says he can't start late on Monday.  Rather than go into a panic that he has gone off me, I feel relieved.

Maybe I am strong enough to walk away. My emotions are all over the place at the moment so who knows how I'll feel when I actually see him.

Week 8 - Friday

Another morning waking up with a feeling of dread in my stomach.   I arrive early at work,and consider not waiting for FJ.  Surprisingly, he is early today and takes my hand. I feel too exhausted to bring up the after work situation and instead we hold hands and chat and laugh together. Before we know it, we're late for work and have to run..... Oops!

Lunchtimes on a Friday are tight as he only gets 30 mins.  As I don't see him sat/sun I like us to hook up. Today, he comes within seconds, gets up and says he needs to get back to work. I feel so frustrated and used. He does at least give me a kiss and says sorry. Later as I eat lunch with friends, the overwhelming feeling of sadness washes over me.  They are discussing holidays with their partners and I simply feel like a failure. What is so wrong that no one loves me enough to be with me? As they discuss destinations, I can't help but wonder if I can go on living.

Week 8 - Thur

Parking issues meant we missed our Wednesday lunch time meet yesterday. I really hope he wants to meet at the car today for "lunch". He does, and it's lovely. He spends ages stroking me and kissing me afterwards. Sadly, I don't actually care about the deed itself but the way he holds me afterwards. It's times like this I think he must care, otherwise he would just walk away wouldn't ?

Of course, it doesn't last. He mentions that a week on Friday he is meeting his mates after work for drinks. Why can't you take me for a drink I snap? We walk back to work in silence. As usual, he doesn't give me a straight answer.

I spend the rest of the evening worrying he will be annoyed with me and say the whole thing is too much hassle.  Something has changed though. The thought of him ending it doesnt horrify me anymore.  I've started to question what type of person he is, and it's not good.

Week 8 - Monday

As has become our routine, we both start at 10am to give us some privacy in the car. Another slight disaster as he ends up with semen on his suit trousers again. They're dry clean only, and this is the second time in weeks this has happened.

 Our lunchtime walk leaves me irked as I mention I have 4 days holiday left I don't want to use. The reason of course is that it will mean not seeing him but he doesn't seem to care. He has been so tender and loving, I am yet again left feeling confused.

Week 7 - Saturday

It was a good weekend as far as FJ is concerned.  Whilst I wait to see if he contacts me, Peter makes contact, asking me to the cinema. The truth is I don't, but I know I need to get out more. I did make it clear to him I only want frendship but I have a horrible feeling he's hoping for more. I agree, but try to keep the conversation casual. He seems disappointed when I suggest a date 2 weeks away. Every time the phone beeps I grab it hoping it's FJ, and start to get angry that it is Peter, trying to keep our conversation going. Finally, I  get a WA from FJ  telling me my new profile photo is sexy :)

Never really been told I'm sexy before. We chat online for around 90 mins before he has to go to bed.  

Happy me x 

Week 7 - Are we over?

So I haven't written to a while. The last week has been horrendous.  On Sunday, I logged into FB for the first time in months to be greeted with an image of the baby being christened. Logging in was no coincidence. When I asked his weekend plans he told me his brother was visiting, and mumbled he would drive to his parents on saturday to see him.  When he What App'd (WA) me on Saturday, he completely ignored my question about visiting his home town and deep down I knew he was hiding something.  I understand him not saying about the Christening. I was pretty surprised to receive a flirty text later that evening arranging our Monday meet, and couldn't help but say I knew.
He brushed it off as no big deal.  Its a bid deal for me. I haven't eaten all day, and feel lower than I have in a long time.

When we meet on Monday, he is apologetic and comforts me, admitting he wouldn't like it if it were the other way around.  We kissed, and he was very gentle with me when we were intimate. Afterwards he held me and stroked my hair for ages. He says his wife's FB comments were for show, and he would rather of not had to go but he needs to make an effort for A.

Tuesday
Arrived this morning to find FJ didn't want to talk before work, mumbling he needed to be in early.  I don't know what to think. We go for a walk at lunch but something's up. For the last few weeks I have been so excited at the prospect at him sending the night tomorrow. Tonight, I receive a WA to say he can't do it, the guilt is too much.  He assures me he needs more time, and still wants to see me.

Wednesday
The most horrendous day. He keeps saying he loves his son too much to do this. I can't be mad at him for worrying about his son, and the guilt is somewhat reassuring of his character. I ask him endless questions "was I just a fling" " did he think I was a "one off" he replies no to both and says he is worried about hurting me if this continues. Well, too late mate. I haven't ate since Sunday and have a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. Tonight, I need to say goodbye to someone I care about, and really wanted him there afterwards. I can't believe he is so cruelly holding my future happiness in his hands, and just shrugging when I ask for an answer to what future he sees for us.  Its too early for guarantees, but he could say how he feels.  I ask the question I have been torturing myself with "am I just a lunchtime whore to him". He is shocked and guarantees me I am much more to him.  If he saw me as just another girl, he would have ended it by now. He insists that he doesn't love his wife anymore but can't leave his son.  I pity her.  How horrible must it be for your husband to leave your bed and go to another woman's?

Thursday

We meet in the car before work and I say I need an answer. Does he want to end this? He admits that part of him thinks that would be easier. I feel pathetic when I say I need him, and would miss him too much to stop. He shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know what to do.  I walk away.

At lunch he texts and says can we meet for a walk. It's actually lovely and we chat liked we used to. I don't know if it's because I have accepted its over.  As I go to leave, he pulls me back and apologises. He says he can't not have me in his life, he needs me and we can go back to the way things have been.  I feel down-heartened.  Deep down I know this is going to cause me more hurts and part of me hoped he would end it.  I say I don't know, and I will meet him as usual tomorrow. 

Friday

I feel nervous in the car with FJ this morning but we tentatively kiss. He strokes my arm, and I cant help myself from offering to meet in the car for "lunch". So by the end of lunch, we're back to normal.

Saturday

It had become a routine for FJ to message me on a Sat but im a little surprised by the flirty WA I receive, with him behaving like last week never happened. The events of last week have left me stunned. I feel so worthless. Did I just agree that I won't ever see him out of work, and only in a car? He said he needed more time, but he gives so little away it's impossible to know what he thinks.  The conversations have been replaying in my mind

"this isn't easy for me you know" " I care about you a lot" " you will want more, and get hurt" " I try not to make a habit of this type of thing".  The latter comment worries me the most. This isn't the first time he has been unfaithful, although he says the I'm the first he has developed feelings for. 

One thing I have realised though is he doesn't hold the power. I made that mistake this week. I now know I can hurt him more than he can hurt me.  

Week 3 + 4 - A Vile Act

I suppose you could say our relationship has moved to the next level.  Things got a litte carried away when we dry humped in a local park.  I'm mortified as we walk back.  We were standing in the middle of a busy park, so overwhelmed by sexual tension that we were oblivious to what we were doing.  Normally, I wouldn't even kiss in public. On Friday, as we kiss, he caresses inside my thigh.  I feel clumsy and unsure of what to do.  I'm not 16, and haven't been for a long time.  Well we figure it out and both go back to work satisfied. 

The following Monday, we both arrange to start work at 10am, in hope the car park will be quieter.  We get carried away, and I give him a hand job. He tries to pleasure me, but although lovely, its not quite orgasmic.  So another new routine is set; every 2/3 days we meet in the car and things become sexual, and the rest of the time we spend chatting and holding hands. It upsets me the thought of him being home with his wife.  

Week 2 - Back to Work

It's not often I wake up on a Monday morning and look forward to getting to work.  Today, FJ is back! It's weird seeing him again. When he grabs me and kisses me it's a shock. We spend the rest of the week arriving early, kissing in his car and then kissing in the local park at lunch.  Its been a long time since I felt so happy. I do feel guilty that he is leaving home earlier than need be rather than spending half an hour with his son.

Our walk the next day ended with my boss (his former boss) seeing us.  FJ had a slight meltdown, despite me pointing out friends can meet for lunch.  As it was, the boss had received a phone call with bad news and was rushing home. He probably didn't even notice us.  It makes me wonder what can actually happen here? Do I need to walk around with a bag over my head?

By the end of the week, we have setted into a routine of meeting in one of our cars in the morning, and then again at lunch.

The beginning

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've never blogged before, nor do I read blogs. Then again, I don't normally bring men home with me or pursue married men.  I never looked twice at FJ when he started in our office. A few weeks later, I was sat next to him at the office Christmas party and found we had a lot in common.  I wasn't attracted to him straight away but a few months later at a colleagues retirement, people began to comment on how well we got on. That night, he tried to kiss me. I was appalled that a married man who's 6 month pregnant wife was at home would behave in such a way.  Monday at work was a bit awkward but gradually over the next few months we became friends. The night he told me he had been offered a new job, I realised he had become much more than a friend to me.  I moved home the next day to my dream house but rather than feel excitement, I wanted to curl up in a ball and sob. I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again.

The month leading up to his leaving night, I had an idea he liked me. We started sneaking of in work for private chats and spent almost all day sending instant messages to each other. Every lunch, we would walk together in the local park. Of course, the fact that he was  married meant I wouldn't do anything else but I really enjoyed his company. 

In the end, it was only him and I left at his leaving night and I realised we were holding hands.  I'm not sure who kissed who first but it seemed to be at the same  time. I knew it was wrong that he came home with me, and I can truthfully say it was the first time I had took a man I wasn't in a relationship with home. I woke up in the night to find him cuddling me. I lay terrified that he would wake and realise  I wasn't his wife and stop.  He eventually woke for the toilet and came back to bed and cuddled me again. It might seem like nothing, but its been a long time since I've being held.  The feeling of his warmth was amazing. When he woke, it was obvious quickly he had no regrets. The point of this blog isn't to discuss sex in graphic detail but it's fair to say he wanted more than a good morning kiss.  So, maybe last night wasn't just alcohol...... .I drove him for the train home and there was a fair bit of kissing. I leave him feeling stunned to what just happend.

I wasn't sure what to expect after he left but the truth be told I hoped he wanted to see me again. Never before had a I met someone that not only was I  attracted to but enjoyed their company.I didn't have to wait long.  He texted me the next day and said he was looking forward to coming back to work to see me.