Week 10 - What is an affair?

The title of my blog implies I am having an affair.  As FJ's relationship stands now, is that correct? We still meet most mornings for a chat and go for long walks at lunch.  Occasionally we have held hands.  I have stuck to my no sexual contact, and he seems happy with that.  

I had thought the withdrawal of "lunch" in the car would see his interest fade but appears not. He admitted that he felt he was degrading me and had too much respect for me to put me in that situation. I thought he was bullshitting to make me all "you care about me". He's stuck to his word though.

To be fair,  the physical side of our relationship was brief. Contrary to belief, FJ and I have never had sex. Yes, we have been physical and whether or not we stopped short of intercourse is relevant is a matter of opinion. FJ and I certainly differ in our opinions of whether it does. He seems to think this makes our relationship more acceptable, that he isn't fully committing adultery.   Prior to my relationship with FJ, I thought that a partner having sexual intercourse with a woman would be the ultimate betrayal. My belief was that if you are inside anothers body, that is the ultimate level of intimacy right? Mmmm, maybe not.  For some people, sex can just be a physical act.  The hours FJ have spent simply talking, laughing toghether, has been far more intimate than anything else. 

So, I'm a having an affair or have I moved into the "close friends" section? 

I found a definition of an affair:
"An affair is a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people" (Wikipedia).  

Okay so Wikipedia may not be the most reliable source but I guess FJ and are having a romantic friendship.  Which, according toWikipedia, means we're still having an affair. 

Week 9 - A Fog Lifts

Seems like this week has been pretty uneventful but that's probably because I've been feeling calmer about what happens with FJ and I.  It's not that my feelings for him that have changed, but I suppose I am coming out of the fog I was in.

For various reasons I had to cancel a few of our meets this week.  He seemed pretty shocked (which in turn shocked me as I thought he wouldn't care) that I was cancelling. I guess he normally pulls the strings.  Throughout this I have refused to play games, and I genuinely had other commitments I couldn't get out of.  Of course, I've been having doubts about the situation with FJ, and thought some time away would be a good thing.  We still managed a few walks but I kept to my "friends only" promise to myself ie no physical contact. It's clear FJ is struggling with his guilt and I thought putting a distance between us would help us both eventually walk away.  Clearly, not.  For the first time on Thursday he took my hand as we walked.  I wasn't quite sure what to do.  Normally he's so paranoid someone will see he avoids holding hands.

Never have I tried to justify my relationship with FJ.  I know it's wrong, and for that reason I had kept our relationship a secret.  Whilst having dinner with a friend, Em, this week I blurted it out. I expected her to be disgusted and judgmental but she was fantastic. I know people reading this will automatically write me of as a whore, and a bad person but Em knows me, and knows that I'm the complete opposite.  She told me that another friend of hers has been having an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years!!!! WTF? How can someone put their life on hold for so long?

I would like to have ended this post by saying I had succeeded in my no physical contact with FJ this week.  After a few too any G & T's, I failed.

Who knows what will happen next week.

Kx

Week 8 - The Weekend

My normally Saturday contact doesn't come this week, and I do something I try my best to avoid.  I check FB.  He's at a concert with his wife.  Within minutes, I find myself justyfing him going by saying he probably bought the tickets before him and I got together. What do I expect though? For him never to socialise with his own wife? Of course I feel a little upset but reality is setting in. I've though a lot today about how I feel, and to be more to the point how this situation is making me feel. I re-read all my messages from him, and there is a distict change in his tone towards me.  Less caring.

What do I exect? I have lowered myself to a level I never thought I was capable of.  I don't know what will happen at this point. I do know that for my own sanity, there will be no more "lunch" in the car.

When I finally get a message from FJ on Sunday evening, he says he can't start late on Monday.  Rather than go into a panic that he has gone off me, I feel relieved.

Maybe I am strong enough to walk away. My emotions are all over the place at the moment so who knows how I'll feel when I actually see him.

Week 8 - Friday

Another morning waking up with a feeling of dread in my stomach.   I arrive early at work,and consider not waiting for FJ.  Surprisingly, he is early today and takes my hand. I feel too exhausted to bring up the after work situation and instead we hold hands and chat and laugh together. Before we know it, we're late for work and have to run..... Oops!

Lunchtimes on a Friday are tight as he only gets 30 mins.  As I don't see him sat/sun I like us to hook up. Today, he comes within seconds, gets up and says he needs to get back to work. I feel so frustrated and used. He does at least give me a kiss and says sorry. Later as I eat lunch with friends, the overwhelming feeling of sadness washes over me.  They are discussing holidays with their partners and I simply feel like a failure. What is so wrong that no one loves me enough to be with me? As they discuss destinations, I can't help but wonder if I can go on living.

Week 8 - Thur

Parking issues meant we missed our Wednesday lunch time meet yesterday. I really hope he wants to meet at the car today for "lunch". He does, and it's lovely. He spends ages stroking me and kissing me afterwards. Sadly, I don't actually care about the deed itself but the way he holds me afterwards. It's times like this I think he must care, otherwise he would just walk away wouldn't ?

Of course, it doesn't last. He mentions that a week on Friday he is meeting his mates after work for drinks. Why can't you take me for a drink I snap? We walk back to work in silence. As usual, he doesn't give me a straight answer.

I spend the rest of the evening worrying he will be annoyed with me and say the whole thing is too much hassle.  Something has changed though. The thought of him ending it doesnt horrify me anymore.  I've started to question what type of person he is, and it's not good.

Week 8 - Monday

As has become our routine, we both start at 10am to give us some privacy in the car. Another slight disaster as he ends up with semen on his suit trousers again. They're dry clean only, and this is the second time in weeks this has happened.

 Our lunchtime walk leaves me irked as I mention I have 4 days holiday left I don't want to use. The reason of course is that it will mean not seeing him but he doesn't seem to care. He has been so tender and loving, I am yet again left feeling confused.

Week 7 - Saturday

It was a good weekend as far as FJ is concerned.  Whilst I wait to see if he contacts me, Peter makes contact, asking me to the cinema. The truth is I don't, but I know I need to get out more. I did make it clear to him I only want frendship but I have a horrible feeling he's hoping for more. I agree, but try to keep the conversation casual. He seems disappointed when I suggest a date 2 weeks away. Every time the phone beeps I grab it hoping it's FJ, and start to get angry that it is Peter, trying to keep our conversation going. Finally, I  get a WA from FJ  telling me my new profile photo is sexy :)

Never really been told I'm sexy before. We chat online for around 90 mins before he has to go to bed.  

Happy me x